Toxic Parents

I read an article today in the New York Times about toxic parents, and whether or not, for one's long-term health, it might be better to sever the relationship. This is a really tough call. I agree with the writer in that the mental health profession is geared toward keeping the relationship, no matter what. It was termed "cut-off" in my classes, and was to be avoided at all costs, with the exception of abuse. The idea behind it is that we are hard-wired to attach with our parents, which is true, and that cut-off really doesn't work to maintain good mental health.

I disagree with the last part. And it has taken me awhile to get there.

The author used the example of a woman who was being treated for depression. Her mother had always been abusive to her and her siblings, going so far as to wish her a disease, instead of happy birthday, on one occasion. I don't advocate cutting off your parents, or parent, because they have aged and are annoying or difficult. That is a natural process, and we have a responsibility to care for our aged. It's part of the circle of life. I doubt any of us had, or became, perfect parents. We all had our issues.

But I also believe we reap what we sow. Not all are good, loving parents. For whatever reason, they were too selfish, self-centered, unhappy, or had substance abuse issues, to be a good parent. And in some cases, they were hateful and dangerous. It is this type of parenting that is at issue.

We know that long term stress affects our brain and body in a very negative manner. So at what point do you throw in the towel on a toxic relationship, and how much responsibility do you carry for an aging parent who falls into this category?

I think each individual needs to come to this decision on their own. But I'm beginning to lean in the direction of good mental health. I don't think we are responsible for someone, just because they are aging, if that person has always, and continues to be, a destructive presence. At some point, that person has to face the consequences of a lifetime of bad behavior. I don't believe we should sacrifice our health. Trying to make sure they are safe is sometimes the best that we can do.

This is a very serious decision, and should be made with professional help, certainly, but people who constantly make us feel bad are dangerous to our well being. Unfortunately, that may also include our parents in some rare circumstances. Choosing to forgive them, and moving forward, is important in becoming the pilot of our own lives. Learning from their mistakes, and making sure the cycle of abuse ends with them, is a lesson well learned. Sometimes removing ourselves from a negative environment is the only way we can heal.

When in doubt - cook!

I've been thinking back lately to my early twenties. Most of my friends were just making do in those days. Money was tight, and since it was yet another recession, most of us were satisfied if we had a job, even if it didn't pay much.

And yet, we were happy.

I have always had the kind of home with plenty of cooking. It really doesn't take much to make a house a home - just the smell of good cooking. It wafts out the doors and makes people want to come inside. I remember one year I was cooking a meatloaf on Halloween, and people kept asking me what smelled so good, peering around me, when I opened the door to hand out candy. It was the smell of home cooking.

I think that no matter where you live, or how little time you have, you should know how to cook. Today was rainy and a bit snowy, and we were feeling a little down. That tends to happen when you read the news. So I decided to cook my grandmother's 'kniphla and saurkraut' dinner. It didn't take long, and the house was full of yummy smells. Browning onions have a way of upping the good smell quotient.

It wasn't long before I was thinking about a holiday brunch that I want to have sometime in early December. I was starting to feel better. Looking forward to things, people, the holidays.

Cooking is deeply ingrained in our psyche. It is how our forefathers and ancestors nurtured their families and friends. It brings people together in a very basic way. It's important.

So instead of going out next week when we drive, yet again, to Sacramento, to go to a Comedy Club for my brother's never ending birthday celebration, I'm going to cook. I'll take all the ingredients, my pans, my knives, and I will cook him a good German dinner before we go out. I know he will love it, and I know the neighbors will stop by if they smell it. Plus he will have leftovers the next day, and all for around $10 in ingredients. One thing my grandmother's family knew how to do was stretch food dollars. Big families ate little meat, but the cooking was usually outstanding.

In these recessionary times, if you haven't already, think about cooking. If you don't know how, then watch the Food Network, or get a cookbook from the library, one of many outstanding food blogs, or online. It doesn't have to be fancy. Some of the best food is easy and inexpensive. It makes us feel good, and our friends and family appreciate being nurtured these days.

Do you have a family recipe that is comforting?

It's that time of year!

Here is the Headless Horseman (I think), Betty Boop, and Marie Antoinette.

You may remember this dynamic dynamo from this story.

What will you be?

The Party Rages

I am currently sitting in my niece's bedroom. All partied out. It's only 9:30 p.m!

The party rages on. It's my little brother's 50th birthday, a costume party, and everyone will continue for some time, and a few until the wee hours.

Being the oldest of four, I used to be the one that went until the wee hours. They straggled along behind. Now I'm the one done after, say four or five hours. When did this change? When did I throw in the party towel?

I guess it's part of growing up, while growing older, realizing a little is better than too much.

Better than growing older, without growing up, me thinks.

Now I'm like my Gram once was, I'm the cook, the one who cleans up, laughing and having a good time, but not needing to overdo, content with being in the background keeping things clean and moving.

One of our friends died last week. He was our age. His wife came home and found him. A lifetime of playing and working hard. At everything.

I feel content to let the party rage on without me tonight.

New Hobby

My husband has revisited his hobby of bread baking. The problem? A house smelling of fresh baking bread, and a crock of butter softening on the counter. It's going to be a long winter.

10,000 hours

I have been doing some writing, other than my blog, for some time now. Whenever I get discouraged, my husband reminds me that Malcom Gladwell in the "Outliers" postulates that success often comes after hours and hours of practice. Some 10,000 hours for people who are at the top of their game. We're talking Mozart here, and I have no illusions, but practice may be important even for us neophytes.

Other factors play into success, not the least of which is privilege and luck. But since I believe in attracting my own luck, and privilege is not in the cards, I started to take a look at what is actually in my control; said 10,000 hours.

Let's see, there would be a childhood of reading, definitely a part of writing, so that should be good for at least a thousand hours. Then there was school. I can't say I was an overachiever in high school, so maybe another thousand hours, total. I like to comfort myself in the knowledge that the developmental goal for adolescence is social, not necessarily academic. Thin, I know.

So that leaves college and years of reading on my own. I did my best in college. I usually have more than one book going at any one time. Another two thousand hours.

Now for the actual writing. Not counting college papers, which I admit were numerous - the structure of human development and family studies - which is still evolving - required tons of writing. But what about lately? Work emails and your usual business correspondence doesn't really require much creativity. And that's been a while anyway. So that leaves my blog.

Three hundred and one posts to date. How many hours? Well, some took a little research, some quite a bit of research, but mostly an hour or two for each one, max.

That's not many hours! I'm probably only halfway to my 10,000 hours. Which actually makes me feel better, in a perverse way. It explains a few things.

What about you? Does your craft or dream require practice, or can you rely on luck and/or privilege?

For Janine

In the blog world we often have fun, such as Willow's Ball last night - (for which I am still recovering.) And sometimes we have a fellow bloggy going through difficult times. Yesterday two friends of one of my favorite bloggers sent me a little picture to post on October 14th to show support for her during a tough time. Janine of Snifles and Smiles is going through surgery today, unfortunately one of many, and I would like to join her friends in sending her love and light. If you haven't visited her blog, then you are missing out. She's a great writer with a soulful and funny style.

Thank you to Teacher's Pet, and Sleepless in Gainesville for being so thoughtful.

Hang in there Janine - we're rooting for you, and pray for the very best outcome from this procedure.