After you're gone - who cares?

I've been reading about the Tony Marshall case going on in NYC this week. Mr. Marshall was convicted of embezzling his mother's money, which included amendments to her will. As her only child, he is facing a prison sentence at age 85. The crime was committed while she lay bedridden and suffering from Alzheimer's and/or dementia. Mrs. Astor was a very generous donor to the Metropolitan Museum and many other philanthropic entities. One of her favorite sayings was from a Thorton Wilder play, "The Matchmaker", in that "money was like manure; it wasn't worth a thing unless you spread it around." Of course, a scandal of this size includes a grandson, who accused his father of not caring for his grandmother properly in her last years, nurses and household help with their own stories, a lawyer, also on trial, for helping him with the dastardly deeds. Not to mention a greedy third wife, on whose behalf he was supposedly procuring these funds. After all, what more do you really want to buy at age 85? (Except for that pesky yacht?)

All of this brings to mind the thought - who cares? I mean, should you care what happens to your money, once it is out of your control? Do you really want to spend your last years worrying about money, of all things? She had made the comment to one of her nurses that rich people were like poor people - they always wanted more. I'm not sure that's true. Maybe if you spent your life knee-deep in money, that could be the case. After all, you become what you focus on in life. But for most of us, money is not the most important thing in our lives, people are.

Of course, if you have a bundle, you would want to see your favorite charities endowed, but after that - why worry about it? I would like to think my children will look after me for my sake - because they love me - not because they want to manipulate me out of whatever I'm going to leave behind. It would be theirs anyway. After my needs are met, who cares what they do with what's left? Hopefully they are good enough people that they will do the right thing. Be charitable, considerate, kind, thinking of others and the future. And if they're not? Well, they will reap what they sow. It's only money, after all.

Nor would I think I was entitled to anything more than what I had given in my life. We all have emotional bank accounts. Back to the old "reap what you sow" adage. By the time you are really old, and fragile, it's too late to change the outcome of a lifetime of wrong thinking and behavior. Best do it now.

As for Tony, it doesn't sound like his son will probably spend much time worrying about his father, either. Dad didn't set a very good example on caring for the elderly.

I guess my point is that all of this revolves around money and control. Two issues I really don't want to worry about in my twilight years.

What do you think?

Eventful Drive

We returned home to snow-tipped mountains. I guess Fall has arrived. Hot one day, snowing the next.

It was an eventful drive home from Portland. We came across two bald eagles sitting together on a transmission pole, four beautiful deer, and a bad car accident.

We were one car behind a Subaru driving erratically, swerving all over the road, including into oncoming traffic. After calling 911, we followed half a mile behind, holding our breath, praying no one would be killed, but fearing the worst. After about five minutes he swerved into a ditch and flipped. The car landed upside down and an elderly gentlemen, the only occupant, was unconscious. We're not sure if he made it our not, but it didn't look good. Fortunately we didn't smell alcohol, as he narrowly missed a school bus full of children. The reality of the road. After traveling so much by car this year, we've begun to feel very grateful that this was the first accident we have come across. Also a great reminder to take those keys from our elderly when we know we should. My father-in-law drove way beyond the time when he should have given it up. He was 94 and in very poor health. He could easily have been the poor man we trailed today.

I look forward to catching up with all of you. I'm sure I've missed a ton. Hope all is well with you, and that you are enjoying a new season, whatever it may be.

Life Stages

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We are visiting with several generations of family this week. I'm enjoying all the stages of life, from my grandson at 22 months, who is just learning to communicate, my daughter and son-in-law with all of the stresses and fun of a new family, and my youngest, fresh out of college. We are in the mix, grandparents who are semi-retired due to the worst economy in our lifetime.

My grandson is the glue. He keeps everyone entertained and always hopeful. He is a joy to be around. We all adore him, and he responds in kind. My youngest is looking for new roommates, more in line with the things she likes to do. We bore her with our staying home at night and lack of enthusiasm for music festivals and bluegrass.

My older daughter and son-in-law, on the other hand, find grandparents very useful. Having a built-in babysitter, and others willing to entertain said grandson is valuable. Never to be underestimated. Freeing.

We are also visiting my mother-in-law, recently widowed and 97 years old. She lives in a lovely retirement home, but as she becomes more fragile, we are waiting for that time when we will move her from her small apartment to assisted living. That time may be very soon.

We are in the post-mid part of our life. Young enough to enjoy it, and old enough to know better than to take it for granted. We watch friends our own age struggle with life-threatening illnesses, and we know that for this moment in time we are blessed. Our family intact, our health stable. But we are also sandwiched, like so many of you. Aging parents, children struggling to get a foothold in life.

All the life stages. All with beauty and uncertainty.

I guess that's what it's all about. Enjoying the ride. It careens right along, sweeping us up, moving us along, and eventually it puts us down. It's the sweet moments, the sunsets, the laughs, the kisses, that make it all worthwhile. A good reminder to pay attention to those moments. When all is said and done, it's our memories and the things we paid attention to that will determine a life well-lived ... or not.