In that Moment...

I was trying to have a conversation with my daughter today while her toddler bounced around the room, either hurting himself or getting into something he shouldn't. The conversation was about trying to hang on in this economy. Her husband has a lucrative sales job that is not as lucrative as it was last year. Like most young families, she is trying to stretch herself and their resources, to make ends meet. In between picking him up to kiss an owie and tell him to get off/out of something, she sounded harried and exhausted, but also strangely happy.

I started thinking about happiness. How you can always be happy if you are in the moment. By that I mean, just taking a small second to be aware of all the good that is around you. Just right at that very moment. 

I remember finding out I had a brain tumor. I was 33 years old, with a six year old daughter, and one eighteen months. My mother had died when I was six, so this year of my daughter's life was very poignant for me. 

It came out of the blue - one minute I was just fine - swimming a mile a day in the community pool and the next I was on my way to LA for some serious surgery. I was diagnosed with an acoustic neuroma - which is a tumor wrapped around the acoustic nerve on the brainstem side. It was thought to be benign, but not in a good location, and rather large in size. In the end, I lost my hearing on one side, my face was temporarily and completely paralyzed on one side, one eye not tearing at all. I had to wear this ugly eye patch that was see-through. To say I was odd looking is an understatement! But whenever I started to feel sorry for myself, in that moment, all I could feel was incredibly lucky! Lucky to be alive, lucky to have a beautiful family, an incredible husband, to have a future. There were so many others dealing with so much more. So, because it was so easy to feel sorry for myself, and my family needed me to be strong, I tried to stay in the moment as much as possible. It really was the only way to get through it and recover. 

I sensed my daughter doing that today. She was busy, harassed, worried. But then her son would do something endearing or funny. And in that exact moment she was happy. Nothing else mattered.

New/Old Ideas

When Obama's mother-in-law moves into the White House it will send a powerful message to mainstream America. Over the last many decades the importance of extended family has faded to a pervasive view of familial autonomy. Our old have been shuffled off to old-folks homes, far from family and especially children. But it was not always this way. Our agrarian society evolved for centuries with the grandparents living in the extended-family home, or nearby. What has this meant to society? Well, for one thing, it has certainly had an affect on our children's sense of security and even how lonely they feel. Grandparents fill the gap between busy parents and trying to figure things out on their own, or within their cohort groups. As we can guess, asking advice from someone who is also twelve, is not always the best solution. Developmentalists have studied the familial-type bonds that have evolved with adolescents and younger children. These children form very close and loyal relationships with others in their age group, but not necessarily in a healthy way when those are their main avenues for important information, or better yet, understanding. Grandparents, on the other hand, usually have time, patience, experience, and the advantage of longevity. They have been through many cycles of life, through their own experiences, with their own parents, siblings, and through their own children's life issues. They are the perfect fit for lonely children or adolescents. Of course, this is only true if the child/grandparent relationship is a healthy one. So from a family science point of view, I am thrilled with the Obama's choice to have the continuity that the grandmother represents. Hopefully, it will send a message, during these troubling times, that families need to come first. It is our society's first defense against the ravages of our economic meltdown.

Words Come Back to Haunt

So I have spent my life espousing a certain philosophy that has come back to haunt me over the last few days. First of all, I have always said when you are down you need to go out and do something for someone else (thanks, Mae, for the reminder.) And I have always lectured that when you are depressed, you need to use cognitive behavior therapy, whereby literally replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. When you cannot come up with a positive thought, then start running through all the things you are grateful for, one by one. In this way, you trick your brain, and therefore your hormones and anatomic nervous system, to believe you are surrounded by good, not bad. Some depression (not all) can become a physical condition, caused by constantly dwelling on negative and fearful thoughts. Your body begins to respond in a like manner. Soon, it is very difficult to overcome depressive and obsessive thinking. Over the last few weeks, I have really got caught up in all the fear and anger having to do with this really negative and hurtful campaign run by McCain/Palin. They really are a drain on our very fragile national well being. On top of their hate, we have watched our economy literally tank. After immersing myself in this muck, I became a negative, neurotic, angry person. It took a conversation with my friend, Kay, today to remind me to use my power of positive thinking and spiritual awareness to get myself back on track and become the person my family needs me to be right now. When the Mom (or older sister) falters, no matter how old the children, it affects the well being of the family. We mothers need to set the example of what to do when the world tilts. How to keep a sense that everything is going to be okay, even when we are worried that it won't be. We teach this to our daughters, so that they can then do that for their families. Or we teach our sons, so that they can get up every day to do what they need to do to take care of their wives and children. I think our best legacy to our families is the ability to catch ourselves, and do what we need to do in times of crises, to keep our thinking healthy and productive. It does not help anyone to wallow in negativity for very long, least of all ourselves.