A few people have asked about my post on the brain tumor I had a little over 20 years ago. You can find it here. And while I wish I could hear on one side, that my one eye still had tears, that my face was not disfigured, I do not regret going through what I did. I know that sounds a little Mother Teresa, but it really is true. I don't think I would be the person I am today, had I not been reduced to that dismal, depressed place after my surgery. I had lost my father 15 months before, been in a terrible car accident, my husband was told he would need to find another job, my tiny daughter almost died in child birth, and I ended up with hair on only one side of my head. I was depressed. Really depressed. More depressed than I had ever been.
Eckhart Tolle talks about spiritual awakening often occurring when our egos have no where else to turn. For me, this was true. Without all that went before, I don't think it would have happened, at least not then. "Stressor buildup" is the technical term when stressors become overwhelming and become the proverbial 'hair on the camel's back'. It is when we break. In my case, I had two small children and a husband that needed me to pick myself up and find a way back to being a mommy and being happy. I did that by reminding myself how lucky I was to be alive. There were so many others not nearly so lucky. But I was damaged, and I needed to find a way to deal with it. Enter my spiritual search.
I would bring home stacks of books from the library. Since recovery was slow and required sitting, I would read books on everything. From how the mind works, psychology, brain function, Gary Zukov, (who's book "The Seat of the Soul" changed my life), to every kind of meditative, creative visualization, Buddha, Bible, religious book that I could find. Literally hundreds. Studying is where I turn when I feel insecure. I always think I can find answers in books. Anyway, after recovery and several years, I entered college again as an adult. I then studied Human Development & Family Studies, with a Psychology minor. The end result was my own understanding of why we are here.
I believe what we are is within, not what our bodies look like, or where we live, or how much money we have. We are equals, all coming from the same place. I believe many in our world are finally waking up to this realization.
So, I really mean it when I say - I wouldn't change a thing. I am who I am today because of this great struggle. When I find a blog where someone is in great pain, I can empathize from a place of having been there. But I would guess that most of us can empathize. Very few of us get through this life intact and unscathed.
I am happy to be who I am, to have the people in my life that I do, and to have the opportunities that I have. We are experiencing difficult and amazing times. It's scary and exciting. But I'm not alone, and neither are you.