Happiness

Happiness is something that all people strive for. If you ask the average person on the street what is most important to them they will tell you; to be happy. So what constitutes happiness? Is it where we live, what we wear, what we drive?

In doing research for my book, I came across the film 'Happy,' directed by Tom Shadyac - of 'I AM' fame. The film discusses how to be happy, and exactly what goes on in our brain when we are successful.

First and foremost, happiness does not come from more money. After basic needs are met, such as food, shelter, clothing, etc., more of these things do not actually make for more happiness. In fact, at some point the Hedonic Treadmill kicks in and we become used to what we have and then want more. Despite being twice as wealthy as we were 50 years ago, Americans are not any happier.

Researchers have found that people are 50% programmed by genetics. In other words, regardless of outside circumstances we go back to a genetic set range regardless of the good or bad going on in our lives. 10% comes from our current circumstances - job, social status, health, money. The other 40% appears to be intended behavior. We tend to overestimate the good and bad in future events, and how that will affect our overall happiness. In fact, people tend to do well when things are really bad. A key ingredient is how quickly one recovers from adversity.

So what works in the realm of intended behavior? How can we help ourselves be more happy? There are several things that we can do that actually releases dopamine in our brains - a necessary neurotransmitter for happiness. And what's more, it has been found that the brain is somewhat like a muscle - use it or lose it. The more we do to be happy when we are young, the healthier we tend to be as we age.

• Variety is the spice of life. Change that route you are running or walking. The brain likes change.
• Physical activity
• Getting into the zone. I see this as being mindful of whatever you are doing. Get into it!
• Cultivate close and supportive friends and family. Social bonding is how we inhibit our own self interest.
• Cooperate. We are programmed for cooperation and it releases dopamine.
• Count your blessings. Be appreciative of what you have.
• Meditation for kindness and compassion. These meditations have shown to actually light up cortical areas in as little as two weeks time.
• Play
• Do things that are meaningful.
• Do acts of kindness. This works best!

Gratitude, compassion, love, caring, are all spiritual emotions that help you focus on something bigger than yourself. Spending just a tiny amount of time each day focusing on these principals would make the world a better place and would change our brains for the better. Happiness is a SKILL. And while the formula is not the same for everyone, moving towards a more authentic you is a step in the right direction.

Live More, Work Less

Tiny Buddha did a great post on what it means to change your lifestyle to actually enjoy more and work less. She begins by asking the question - how much do you actually need to feel comfortable? If you are without a job right now, doing with less is not something you want to read more about - but you may find some useful information that may be helpful during this stressful time. Links are provided that give practical guidance in finding ways to reduce your spending - and learning to enjoy life in a whole new way. I especially liked the link with thoughts on meaningful and inexpensive gift-giving.

As I look around me each day, I'm startled to realize I'm not as attached to some of these things as I thought I was. If I had to name five things I couldn't live without - it would be hard to come up with five. But I guess that could all change if I were one of the people now living along the Mississippi, or in the way of multiple tornadoes. Having never been in that situation, I have no idea how I would react. But I continue to be amazed at the people who bravely face their worst fears, the one thing standing out to me is the way they are there for each other.

Last night I watched the movie "The Day After Tomorrow" for the second time.  I had just finished a new book by Whitley Streiber, (The Key), and remembered that he had written the book (Superstorm) that the movie was based on - anyway - the take-away from the film is that if something catastrophic happens in the world; absolutely nothing I own would mean anything - the only thing I would care about when the chips are down are people. I wouldn't be lamenting my couch or a chair - or even jewelry or art. People, pets, and, well, that's about it - everything else is just not that important. 

Happy People

While perusing Maui Vision Magazine, I ran across a short article regarding the book, How We Choose To Be Happy, by Mark Sheehan, a real estate broker and environmental activist living on Maui. It caught my attention and I've downloaded the book to read at a later date, but what really struck me was the study it was based on - unusually happy people! It was written by two psychologists, Rick Foster and Greg Hicks.

Here then are the choices that unusually happy people tend to make:

1. Intention: Having an active desire to be happy and committing to living that way.
2. Accountability: Choosing to create the life you want to live, taking full responsibility, refusing to blame others.
3. Identification: Continually looking into yourself to see what makes you uniquely happy.
4. Centrality: Making sure that what makes you happy is central in your life.
5. Recasting: Converting problems into opportunities, transforming trauma into something meaningful.
6. Options: Approaching life with multiple scenarios, being open to new possibilities, a flexible life script.
7. Appreciation: The choice to stay in the present, making each experience precious, appreciating deeply.
8. Giving: Sharing yourself with friends and community.
9. Truthfulness: The choice to be honest with yourself and others in an accountable manner by not allowing societal, corporate or family demands to violate your internal contract.

I think these need to go on my Intention Board. I especially liked #6/Options - being flexible seems to be very important in this day and age. Realizing we can change our 'story' at any time, no matter what is going on in our lives -  in fact the one thing we do have control over is our own story. 

Bethanny Ever After

Does anyone else watch Bethanny Ever After? I know it is a reality show, and should really be below my sense of intellectual curiosity, but I'm not much of an intellectual, and I love reality TV, even if I  have to watch it alone. People are interesting. They just are! My husband argues that reality TV is not really reality, but some producers version of what might sell. Yeah, yeah, I know. But real personalities peek through, and you do get a sense of some of these people's idiosyncrasies, their character, their vulnerabilities, and their sense of right and wrong. And to me - that's interesting. Human beings are interesting!

Okay, so now on to Bethanny. If you haven't watched Real Housewives of New York City over the last couple of years (minus this year) you may not know who she is, but she is living a fairy tale life, and it all started just a couple of years ago.

Bethanny grew up lonely, there is no doubt about that. Her mother was dysfunctional and her father non-existent. She raised herself, and has been basically on her own her whole life. She wanted a husband and a family, it just didn't seem to be happening. That is, until about a year ago...

All in one year - she got a cookbook deal for her Skinny Girl food line, has written two cookbooks, found a great guy and got married, had a baby,  created a Skinny Girl Margarita (which is being sold for a bizillion dollars), has her own reality show, competed on Skating With the Stars coming in second place, sells out theatres to women who are dancing in the aisles waiting to hear her speak, and may be moving to Los Angeles! What's not to love?

But beyond that she is vulnerable, grateful, kind, funny, and totally likable. She collects people, recognizing that each person has a wonderful gift, and that not everyone has the same gift. I love that about her. Probably more than anything else, I love that about her. She sees through the geeky food buff, who has a hard time talking to people, to the passionate heart that loves food and comes alive when he writes - she then figures out how he can join the fun with a part time job in her company. Just one in her managerie.

She knows she is neurotic and tries hard not to take it out on all the people around her - and there are plenty around her - all seemingly living with them in their small apartment in Tribeca. (Not really, it just seems that way.)

I know she will not do this show forever. She is a multi, multi-bizillionaire now. But I, for one, will miss her and her sweet husband, absolutely adorable baby girl, and all of the characters that she collects. She is the Cinderella story of our time. The lonely woman who had a clanging biological clock, with no viable prospects, that finally found her prince and so much more.

Life is amazing, and Bethanny is living proof.

Nerves!

Has anyone else noticed how weird interpersonal relationships are these days? It seems like there is very little padding on those nerve bundles. I've had some experiences lately where I thought - "Ouch! Did they just say that??" My husband has had his own stories to tell, and they all seem to involve how we are interfacing with each other. Stress levels are soaring, and thoughts seem to be transmitted at warp speed. No way to hide negative, anxious, or angry feelings. It's like our intentions have a life of their own - what we are thinking about someone is revealed almost instantly.

Maybe its a good time to realize this all is Kabuki Theatre. We're acting out and there are lessons to be learned. With each interaction there is something on both sides to be acknowledged, changed, incorporated, negated, embraced or learned from. If nothing else it might be to never treat anyone else the way this person is treating me right now.

Maybe now is the time to think with the heart and not with the mind. Ask ourselves - "what does my heart say?" It will probably be a very different answer from my mind/ego.

I guess figuring out that it's better to be happy, than right, is probably essential in this process. Even if it involves walking around in an imaginary padded suit.

Thinking & Mediation

For me, life is a continuous process of trying to mediate my thinking. I spend time waking up and thanking the universe for another day. When I go to bed I spend time thanking the universe for a soft bed in which to sleep - and wishing for all mankind to have a soft place in which to sleep. When I grocery shop I thank Mother Earth for the incredible bounty in which I have to choose from, and the ability to pay for my purchases. When I drink water, I send appreciation to the water. Crazy sounding, I know. But this is the way that I remain as positive as I can be in these times.

Recently I found a very cool website that sends me little reminders to stay focused on what is important. Looking for the best in humanity is a constant struggle, lets face it. So I really liked the one sent to me today. If you would like to sign up for your own little reminders to stay mindful of all the good in the world, visit tiny Buddha, simple wisdom for complex lives,  or just visit when you feel the need for a little boost.

WHAT WE SEE IS MAINLY WHAT WE LOOK FOR:      UNKNOWN 


Whatever you believe about people and the world, you will likely find proof to support it. 

If you look for selfishness, you’ll find it. If you look for animosity you’ll find it. If you look for injustice, you’ll find it. If you’re invested in seeing the world this way, you can probably explain a lot of what you see with negative interpretations.

Conversely, if you look for good intentions, you’ll find them. If you look for loving gestures, you’ll find them. If you look for possibilities, you’ll find them.

Much of what we see is based on how we want to interpret things–whether we judge people or give them the benefit of the doubt; whether we play the victim or find opportunities in struggles.

So the real question on any given day isn’t why you’re seeing what you’re seeing; it’s why you’re invested in that interpretation.

Today if you find yourself clinging to a negative story about a person or situation, ask yourself: What’s the payoff in holding onto this interpretation? Does it make you feel right? Or justified? Or safe? And more importantly: How might you be able to improve your state of mind or situation if you chose to see things differently?

Hiring the Heavens

 

Conscious Media Network has the most uplifting, fun, interview this month with Jean Slatter about hiring angels to help us to do all sorts of things. If you get a minute, I can guarantee you will come away with a smile on your face. You can sign up for free for three days, so it would be free to view this video. Life should be joyful, you owe it to yourself to grab a cup of tea, put your feet up, and watch this wonderful interview. Have fun!

In The Flow

I'm one of those people who believe when things are going really well, then you are in the "flow." The flow being a river of consciousness that all beings enter at one time or another. When you read something that resonates within, when you write something that makes your fingers fly, when you are creating a piece of art that seems to make itself, when your body is doing exactly what it needs to do to help you stay in the race, or anytime that you feel absolute connectedness. All of these types of intelligences are within us all of the time, but when we're in the flow we feel energized and excited. Things come to us effortlessly.

I've been working on trying to prove all of this to myself. I have a wonderful life, but like all people there are times when I focus on the things that are not working well. Negativity, I believe, keeps us out of the flow. So when I feel negative, I force myself to start listing all the things I have to be grateful for. I start small, building to the really important things, and end with being appreciative for being here in the first place.

Which brings me to my last post. Fleas were causing havoc in my life. A mother feels unsettled when their youngest child is couch surfing. Believe me, most mothers like to know their children have a home, are safe and well. The flea situation was getting to me. I felt very negative and unhappy as we trolled Craigslist for rentals. All of them seemed old, carpeted (she has asthma), or creepy looking. At least when viewing them online. Not a place one wants to see their child living. She was willing to settle for places that made me feel uneasy. After all, she was the one without a home.

Where I wanted her to live was in the same complex as her sister. I feel settled when I know my daughters are watching out for one another. They always have, as they are very close. (Another thing to be grateful for...) Anyway, the complex where my older daughter lives is small, only 13 or so units. They were perfect for our needs. Newly remodeled so everything is new, hardwood floors, washer/dryer in unit, affordable, two bedrooms, which gives us a place to stay when visiting. Being close to all of them during our exceedingly rare visits these days was a huge plus. To not intrude on my daughter with a husband and son in their small apartment, but to be able to walk down and see them, was beyond perfect. She has needed help with her son lately, and our youngest needs help with her puppy. Especially when she starts graduate school next month. Only problem - several had just turned over, and they were not expecting another one to open up anytime soon.

Back to the flow.

So I sent out a special prayer before going to sleep, asking for one to open up before the end of next month.

My daughter's phone rang the next morning - an apartment opened up, the manager had tracked down her phone number, and she could be in by the first of next month!

The moral to this story? I think when we keep ourselves focused on the good, the things to be grateful for, we stay in a higher state of being, or vibration. That includes not allowing ourselves to react to hate and anger when we read or watch things that make us sad or angry. Not an easy thing to do, I know. One way to do that is to pay attention to what your body is doing - if it's tensing up and you are feeling heaviness in the chest area - then let the thought go. Relax your body. At some point you realize you are not automatically reacting - you're more in control - and it's easier to let it all go. Most of these things we can't do anything about anyway.

Okay, your turn, what do you think?

What constitutes a happy home?

When we think of "happy home" we often think mom, dad, children, dog and maybe a cat. But a happy home can have only one inhabitant, and can be different things to different people. There is no one way to have a happy home. That being said, I do have a few ideas on achieving a happy home, regardless of how many live in the home, or where it resides. I'm sure you can add a few of your own, and I hope that you will.

I think your physical home should reflect what you love most in life. Little physical representations of people, places, moments. A rock may represent a peaceful moment in a special place. A pine cone from that favorite pine tree in your backyard, or a shell from the beach you walk by and admire each day. It can be anything. But what is important about the object is that it has meaning to you. 

I think your physical home should be kept fairly clean. I think when our homes are really dirty it says that something is wrong, and adds to a sense of feeling out of control. That doesn't mean a spotless, sterile environment. Simply run a dust cloth under that stack of books on occasion. And while you're at it, ask yourself whether or not the objects that you are dusting really speak to who you are right now. How many of us keep things because it was meaningful to someone else? After all, that lava lamp that is gathering dust in the corner could be just the item a young teen is looking for to round out their "home." Keep stuff moving - give to charitable organizations those things that no longer represent you, or bring you pleasure. I've begun to cleanse my environment from the objects I really don't like, or have any attachment to. It's freeing.

Bring the outside in. Maybe a few plants, a bowl of fruit, a bouquet of flowers. I really think living things in our home are important. Plants clean the air and look pretty. If you don't have enough light where you live, how about a single flower in a small vase next to your bed?


Cook in your home if possible. I believe the most meaningful thing about a home is that it's nurturing, and what better way to nurture than to cook for yourself and others? We live in transitory times. The economic downfall in this country, and others, requires some adjustment. Going back to the basics can be fulfilling.  Good smells emanating from your kitchen will make you, and others, feel treasured. The price for an at-home meal is so much less than going out, and the atmosphere isn't rushed or full of other people's voices.


And last, but not least, be aware of the thoughts that you harbor. If you are thinking bad thoughts about your housemates, sooner or later you will say something that is hurtful that will make your home unhappy. There is nothing worse than living in a home full of tension. You cannot change the behavior of others, but you can accept responsibility for your own thoughts and behavior.

So here are a couple of my ideas on how to have a happy home. Care to share a few of your own? 

Guidelines

http://www.terragalleria.com/index.html

I have always admired Gary Zukov.  The Seat of the Soul was one of those books that resonated with me in a very big way. I read it sometime in the early 1990's, when it first came out, and have re-read it every few years. He and his partner Linda Frances give workshops, have written a new book, and put out an occasional newsletter. I was reminded of their "guidelines" which I had posted on my bulletin board in our last house and need to print and put on my Intention Board here. I think I may have printed them in some form or other in a previous post. They are reminders to live our life with intention and awareness. Since it's a new year, I thought you might be interested in perusing them:

Practice using these Guidelines everywhere – at home, with family, with friends, with adversaries, at work, and at play. 

• COMMITMENT – MAKING MY SPIRITUAL GROWTH (CREATING AUTHENTIC POWER) MY HIGHEST PRIORITY
• Focus on what I can learn about myself all the time, especially from my reactions (such as anger, fear, jealousy, resentment, and impatience), instead of judging or blaming others or myself.
• Pay attention to my emotions by feeling the physical sensations in my energy centers (such as my chest, solar plexus, and throat areas).
• Pay attention to my thoughts (such as judging, analyzing, comparing, daydreaming, planning my reply, etc., or thoughts of gratitude, appreciation, contentment, openness to Life, etc.)
• Pay attention to my intention (such as blaming, judging, needing to be right, seeking admiration, escaping into thoughts (intellectualizing), trying to convince, etc., or cooperating, sharing, creating harmony, and revering Life).

• COURAGE – STRETCHING MYSELF BEYOND THE LIMITED PERSPECTIVES OF THE FRIGHTENED PARTS OF MY PERSONALITY
• Take responsibility for my feelings, experiences, and actions (no blaming).
• Practice integrity at all times (often requires action, such as speaking when frightened parts of my personality don’t want to speak and not speaking when they feel compelled to speak).
• Say or do what is most difficult (sharing what I notice, if appropriate, when someone speaks or acts from a frightened part of his or her personality; sharing about myself what I am frightened to say and know that I need to say.)

• COMPASSION –SEEING MYSELF AND OTHERS AS SOULS WHO SOMETIMES HAVE FRIGHTENED PARTS OF THEIR PERSONALITIES ACTIVE
• Change my perspective from fearful to loving (choose to see myself and others in a loving or appreciative way).
• Release any distance I feel from anyone.
• Be present while others are speaking (not preparing replies, judging, etc.)

• CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATIONS AND ACTIONS – STRIVING TO MAKE ALL MY INTERACTIONS CONSCIOUS AND LOVING

• Consult my intuition.
• Choose my intention before I speak or act.
• Act from the healthiest part of my personality that I can access (rather than caretaking, fixing, teaching, judging, blaming, gossiping, etc.)
• Speak personally and specifically rather than generally and abstractly (use “I” statements rather than “we” or “you” statements).
• Release attachment to the outcome (trust the Universe).  If I find myself attached, begin again with Commitment, Courage, Compassion.

And remember to enjoy yourself!

Copyright © 2009 The Seat of the Soul Institute

Four Limitless Qualities

http://www.terragalleria.com/index.html

Some of us spend our lives cultivating our resentments and addictions and desires. We spend so much time on these cravings that we end up becoming them. We remain in a viscous cycle of want, need, and resentment when things don't go exactly our way. How to break this cycle? Well, one way that has been done for centuries with the Buddhist tradition is the "Four Limitless Qualities." The practice is to aspire to loving-kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity. They are as follows:

May all sentient beings enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.

May we be free from suffering and the root of suffering.

May we not be separated from the great happiness devoid of suffering.

May we dwell in the great equanimity free from passion, aggression, and prejudice.

The bodhichitta practices are ways to sow the seeds of well-being, not only for ourselves, but for others. I am not trying to negate anyone's religion. I think this is a way of thinking, less a religious practice. But like all things, it takes practice in learning to want for others as you do yourself. It often starts with training our mind to jump the tracks, so to speak, and learn a new language of thought. The mind/brain loves to stay in it's ruts. It likes same. Which of course, keeps us in the same patterns that also make us miserable. Here then, is one way to consider throwing off the shackles that bind, and begin to heal our hearts and start serving our souls.

In these practices, we start with ourselves and those we love the most. We express the wish that we enjoy happiness and the root of happiness. Next we include someone we love. Using the thought that they enjoy happiness and the root of happiness. Then we extend it to a widening circle of friends and relationships. Begin where the aspirations feel genuine, where we already feel love, compassion, joy and equanimity. Then we move on to the neutral people in our life, and eventually to people we don't like. Remember this is a practice! It is intended as a workout to expand the heart beyond it's current capabilities. Then move on to the next one on suffering, and so on.

Expect resistance. We are learning to open our hearts and move closer to our fears. Aspiration practices have the power to loosen up useless habits and melt our fixations and defenses. We are learning to be steadfast. By acknowledging love, compassion, joy and equanimity that we feel now, and nurturing them through this practice, they will strengthen on their own.

Happiness is being free of anger, resentment, guilt, greed, envy, the list goes on. It is through our thoughts that our reality is constantly forming. Learning to train our thinking is fundamental to creating the kind of world we want.

Plant Filters

http://www.terragalleria.com/

I have always loved plants. Taking tours of your beautiful gardens has been a treat. But did you know that houseplants are actually healthy? NASA found over 300 compounds being released into the air on one of their flights and began testing houseplants for their power to absorb pollutants. Not only do house plants convert carbon dioxide into oxygen, but many are super air "scrubbers". For instance, Philodendrons, Spider Plants and Pathos are expert at filtering formaldehyde from the air released through "off gassing." This compound is found in paints, cushions, fabrics, even shampoos. Many construction materials contain formaldehyde. The toxic FEMA trailers come to mind.

Gerber Daisies and Chrysanthemums are experts at absorbing benzene, a known carcinogen, found in plastics, synthetic rubber and dyes. For more information about plants and their ability to help clean our air, and the ones to avoid if you have animals or small children, go here.

They also will live a long time with a little love and tenderness. I have african violets that were given me when my children were born - as long as 26 years ago! They are still blooming.

So do yourself and favor and surround yourself with as many plants as possible. Not only are they aesthetic, but healthy too.

Happiness Bug

(pic thanks to terragaleria.com)

Here's a bug I want to catch. The British Medical Journal, using statistical analysis, has found that happiness spreads from person to person - up to three connections. So if I'm in need of a little lift in my spirits, I can get it from my friend's, friend. I don't even have to know the person to catch their bug. This is much better than swine flu!

Also, having a happy sibling live one mile from you increases your happiness level by 14%.

A nearby friend increases your happiness level by 25%.

A next door neighbor 34%.

So my question is - how much do blogging friends increase our happiness level?

Age of Enightenment

Thanks everyone for all of your comments yesterday. They ranged from serious to funny to informative. I learned a few things. Always a good thing for me!

I would have to say, if the world is going to end, then I want to go out more "enlightened" than not. And I know that word evokes images of monks dressed in robes, chanting. Something unattainable for us average peeps. But for me, it is more about learning how to live day to day in a happier, less stressed, less fearful manner. Not an easy feat in today's climate (no pun intended.) So I guess I'm hoping for an "Age of Enlightenment" but I'm preparing for it to be either nothing, or the end, by working on myself. If we only have three or so years to live then I really want to make the most of it. And if I we have longer, wouldn't it make sense to learn how to enjoy it, regardless of the circumstances?

In the meantime, we need to go "green" as much as possible in a BIG way. Everyone, everywhere. We may not be able to turn the tide on global warming, but that doesn't mean we get to bury our heads and do nothing. And who knows, we may actually do some good. The human being is very resourceful and, when threatened with extinction, very motivated. 

As for being happier, less stressed, and less fearful, learning to live in the moment is truly the key. There are plenty of books out there that help you to do this, but it is really going to take a change in each of us to want to do that. To seek out that information, in whatever form, and be grateful for all the really small blessings in our lives. It takes work, and practice, but the end result is life changing, and life affirming, taking the fear out of the future.